My answer most often is: “When you are not yet invested in the outcome.” That means as early in a new relationship as you can.Their next obvious concern is the kinds of questions they should want answered. If someone was securely attached to their primary caregiver, they’re more likely to have a secure attachment style now (i.e., they’re not too needy or too distant). What are some examples of when you’ve persisted and succeeded at a long term goal? Is your pot smoking/binge drinking just a being young thing for you or can you imagine wanting to do it your whole life? Rationale: When you fight, is s/he going to fight nice? Rationale: Attachment style shows a degree of continuity from childhood to adulthood. Are you able to admit when you’ve made a mistake or when your own actions might’ve contributed to a problem?While it would be easy to maintain my professional objectivity, what remains with me that is fodder for this post is how deeply and profoundly the concepts presented touch on my own journey.Married at 28, with a history of multiple relationships prior, widowed at 40, following a 12 year “paradoxical marriage,” I have been ostensibly single for nearly 16 years, with the exception of a few short term relationships and friends with benefits interactions.Everyone today thinks this is a bad question to ask, because you seem more eager, but that’s not true.You need to know if you and your man are on the same page.
It’s one of those first date questions that will intrigue your partner, or even make him laugh.I noticed myself nodding in recognition as I ticked off the kinds of issues that clients I have seen as a therapist for the past three decades have presented in our sessions.They range from not knowing the person in the mirror well enough to being disillusioned by the person on the other side of the bed.I would much rather explore and examine, from the perspective of being on the other side of the experience, not just what I want, but what I want, even though relationship experts generally encourage focus on the positive.I am a believer, based on my own personal and professional perspective that I need to clear the detritus of previous encounters in order to build anew.